My Day but Make it a Meme

A Day in the Life of High-Functioning Bipolar Disorder

Today was a hectic, busy day that was filled with lots of anxiety and somewhat manic productivity. I thought it would be fun to break it down into meme form for educational purposes because you never know what’s really going on in someone’s life until they tell you. Be prepared for lots of honesty and neurotic detail!

What You Saw on the Outside:

• An attentive employee sending and responding to emails bright and early.
• Someone who had a homemade vegan green smoothie for breakfast.
• Someone while working-from-home organizes their time so well and values exercise so much that they were able to go for a four mile run on their lunch break.
• A department manager attending an important meeting with upper management who was fully engaged with lots to discuss — she even prepared an itemized impromptu agenda.
• A hard worker who spent the rest of the afternoon buried in an electronic health record and Excel spreadsheets.
• A doting Cat Mom who arrived early to the kitty’s annual vet appointment with all the requested documents and specimens in order.

What Really Happened

• I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t get back to sleep because of my anxiety about my meeting and vet appointment today.
• I started work before 7:00 am because I’d been up for hours and didn’t know what else to do with myself. My coworkers probably thought I was being an overachiever with my 6:59 am emails but I was actually exhausted and already running on adrenaline.
• I finally settled on making a smoothie for breakfast after the psychological melodrama that played out in the kitchen that helped me arrive at that decision: Since I’d gotten up so early and it was so chilly outside, I thought I’d treat myself to a toasted bagel with lox and cream cheese. Then I read the calories on the side of bagels (which I normally don’t do — with my history of ED’s, I try to avoid all calories on food because it’s a major trigger but apparently couldn’t help myself today) and started getting second thoughts about choosing a healthier option. Then I told myself that it was fine and I was being ridiculous and was letting my old ED brain cloud my judgment so I took out a bagel, sliced it and put it in the toaster. Then I remembered that the holiday is this weekend and that bad weather is also expected so in addition to eating a heavy meal on Sunday as well as dessert, my running routine would probably also be compromised. As I was still trying to make up my mind, I saw the nutrition information on the container of cream cheese and that was it. I popped the bagel out of the toaster, put it back in the bag partially cooked and ended up with the breakfast I have most days — a chilly green smoothie that I really wasn’t in the mood for.
• I went out for a run simply because I had to. I was tired but my week was getting busy and the weekly weather forecast isn’t good. My little motto for getting me on the road is “if not now, when?” It’s a helpful little phrase to remind me that there was no good reason to forgo a run today…even if it’s cold and windy and I’m tired and cranky. The best part was when it was over.
• I was 20 minutes early to my Teams call with the Regional Director because I was so anxious about our meeting — so much so in fact that I had to take an Ativan in preparation. I spent several minutes before signing into Teams adjusting my appearance in the webcam lens so I didn’t look as unbalanced as I felt. During this uncomfortable meeting, I used my powerful clinical skills and poker face to act like I was interested in resolving some serious issues. I didn’t even yell about the lack of oversight or the fact that my concerns have been ignored for months despite a length paper trail.
• After having that meeting that I stressed so much about, I had a few hours left to start stressing about my cat’s wellness visit at the vet. He seems to be fine but he’s a senior and you never know if you’re going to be blindsided by unexpected tragedy at the vet’s office. I kept myself busy with my favorite monthly report and a podcast to stop ruminating about the litany of health issues I was afraid they were going to find. I will say that having a job, especially one that you enjoy, is really very helpful when living Bipolar. More often than not, I’m able to find solace and comfort in my reports and spreadsheets.
• The cat and I arrived early to the vet’s office early because I was worried about hitting traffic that doesn’t exist and I just wanted to get the worst part of the day over. The kitty did great and got an excellent report and we’re just waiting on blood work which is the hardest part. Our doctor even said that he anticipated good results but again, you never know so this will be a fun few days while I wait to hear how his organs are functioning.

So there you have it. The “What Others See” vs “What I Really Look Like” meme version of the day in the life of high-functioning Bipolar Disorder. Hope it brought some insight into the illness and at the very least, a good laugh.